He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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