you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
