Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
