There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i think my cat just said my name.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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