That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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