i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Every concussion has its silver lining
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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