So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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