Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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