who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize