I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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