Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize