Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
