apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize