I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
