whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
