bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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