Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
