it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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