if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
