tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
