Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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