turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize