____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
