I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
