If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
