I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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