i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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