I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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