I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
