Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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