Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
