My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize