God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
