Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
