walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
