I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
