i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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