Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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