i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
