i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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