my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i already hear my dad disowning me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
