you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
