i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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