Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
