I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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