Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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