I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
