god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
