3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
