apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
