This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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