So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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