woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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