im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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