I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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