No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
