i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
