my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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