I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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