i don't like sucking hair
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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