After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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