I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
