I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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