I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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