On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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