saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
