I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
