So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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